Have you ever heard that song by Mary Chapin Carpenter called The Bug? I used to think that was an odd song, “Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug. Today that song makes sense.
Sometimes I can clearly see what I want for my life like I’m looking through a crystal clear windshield and all lights are green. Go, go, go! I can see the destination, but am not quite there yet. Still I keep moving forward full throttle and feel like a champ for every step I take in the right direction.
Then there are days where I feel like a bug going a hundred miles an hour head on into that windshield. Splat! All my windshield days feel undone on my bug days.
Self-sabotage is a curious thing. What possesses one to do things that are not in their best interest like eat junk food or to not do things that are in their best interest like exercise.
I read, study, and listen to the experts for hours on end. It makes perfect sense when I hear their advice, yet I still put crap in my mouth! What gives? How will I ever change this limiting behavior?
I’ve been told to go easy on myself when I slip up and I’ve also been told that I really must not want to be healthy and lose weight as much as I say I do if I don’t stay on track. It’s a battle I tell ya. I never been addicted to drugs in the traditional sense of the word, but I certainly feel addicted to SOS (sugar, oil, salt) and believe that it is every bit as addictive as the strongest pharmaceutical drug.
I wish I could afford to go to rehab – someplace like True North, Happy Oasis, Tree of Life, or even the Holistic Holiday at Sea – to detox, reset my brain, and get past old self-limiting habits without all the temptation around. But, that’s not an option for me at the moment, so I will just have to keep scraping myself off the windshield, keep flapping my wings, and keep praying that one of these days I will fly.
50 Squat & Reach
B – 20 oz water, Few bites of cold oats (yuck)
L – 20 oz water, couple bites of steamed potatoes with ketchup, then went to Taco Bell – Taco Salad, Fiesta Potatoes, 4 cinnabons (dopamine rush!)
S – 1 and 1/2 breadsticks with cheese dip
D – 16 oz water, egg drop soup, spring roll, veggies with fried rice
S – Onion rings, Chocolate shake
I have updated the food journal the next morning because I ended up eating more food. It was a bad day eating wise and resembles many other days from my past where I gave in to cravings for junk food. The mistake I have made in the past is thinking that there are few consequences beyond an upset stomach and some weight gain. It’s a vicious cycle that I realize I need help to shake. I’m going straight to the top on this one and asking God for help.
Five Things I am Grateful for today…
1. am grateful for second chances ten thousand times over
2. I am grateful for forgiveness and need to practice it on myself
3. I am grateful to be going to church tonight with my best friend because I think some of my cravings are actually spiritual hunger
4 I am grateful my son is overcoming his addiction and is starting a new job in a few days. I am so proud of him for being a warrior
5. I am grateful for the bug days as hard as they are it makes me appreciate the windshield days and my inevitable success will be all the sweeter!